Jordan Peterson, love him or hate him, says that we should strive to treat ourselves like someone (or something) that we’re responsible for taking care of. People are better at making sure their loved ones take their pills than they are at taking their own. Getting caught in negative thought loops has the potential to snowball into bad moods and, over time, depression. It literally changes your brain chemistry. Neurosteroids in the brain and hormones throughout the body can become unbalanced. This imbalance can eventually manifest as physical pain in the rest of the body.
Learning how to manage negative self-talk while things are going well may just save you much of that pain when SHTF (shit hits the fan). Here are 5 simple tactics that I use daily to build a defense against the negativity.
Listen to Better Music
I wrote about using music to improve your mood a while back after many years of doing just that. Music has been a part of humanity since humanity became a part of the cosmos but that doesn’t mean we’re using it effectively. Whether you’re singing out loud or to yourself or you’ve fallen victim to having a song stuck in your head, the lyrics of that song are being said over and over again. Listening to music with positive lyrics that reinforce a good feeling in you is on par with you walking down the street and giving yourself a pep talk.
You may have heard of a mantra before. Maybe you’ve tried to talk yourself up to prepare for an interview or exam. Your brain doesn’t know who first wrote the lyrics down that you’re singing, just that it’s being done in a positive light and reinforcing the good feelings that come along with those words. While it may feel better to listen to a sad song when you’re feeling down, it doesn’t do you any good to reinforce that feeling.
Word Choice Matters
I’ve spent a little while now thinking about how certain words affect your thoughts. The same action or event, when phrased differently, becomes a completely different animal. A simple switch of words has the ability to change everything.
Should vs. Could
Swap out the word “should” in your everyday language and opt instead for “could.” Why? Should assumes you had all of the information going into a situation, i.e. I should have made a right instead of left back there. Could acknowledge the fact that you didn’t have all of the information that, in hindsight, seems so clear. I could have made a right instead of a left…See the difference? Should blames whereas Could explores. Should is regret and could is opportunity.
It works going forward as well. Should feels like pressure and could feels like relief. Should assumes there is only ONE right choice, black and white, whereas Could realizes that the world is gray and full of possibility.
When you make a mistake, it’s a lesson in disguise…if you allow it to be! Swapping out should for could highlights this fact by encouraging dialogue, whether in thought or conversation, that explores the other choices or decisions that could have been made in place of the supposed wrong choice you did make.
Cut yourself a little slack by replacing should with could.
Be Mindful
I’ve written a bit about mindfulness-based meditation and how much it has helped me throughout my life. It has lengthened my “fuse” and refrained me from losing my cool in literally thousands of situations by taking a step back and not following through with my initial, emotionally-based reaction.
When someone cuts you off, the first thing you want to do is tell them how wronged you feel because of how angry you get. When you make a mistake, the first thing you might feel is angry with yourself and the same words and emotions you feel towards the stranger on the highway are instead aimed inward.
The benefits of not losing your cool on other people equally apply to not losing your cool on yourself.
Take up yoga, a mindfulness meditation practice or some other activity designed to reap similar benefits and extend the amount of time between mess up and explosion. Just 1o minutes per day using an app like Calm or HeadSpace are enough to flex the mindfulness muscle and give yourself a break.
Talk it Out
Even if you’re alone, verbalize what you’re thinking. Direct towards your dog, cat or even a plant. There’s something about actually hearing what you’re saying to yourself that gives it a different tone. It’s almost like someone else is saying it to you. This is somewhat true because the part of you that is talking down to the other part of you isn’t necessarily welcomed.
When you direct those words at either A) something (or someone) that you love and care for, or, B) something that has no logical connection to the thoughts (like a plant, chair, etc.) it dulls the sharpness of the words. You will find yourself mentally or verbally defending your dog or cat which is exactly the action you want to take when these bouts of negativity begin. You want to defend yourself from yourself. This leads directly to the next strategy below.
Write “Stoically”
I have been “writing stoically” for nearly a decade now. In the battle against unwanted thoughts and unhelpful self-talk, your pen, pencil or keyboard is the nuclear warhead.
The tl;dr of the post linked above is as follows:
- You have a nagging thought during the day. Something that is bugging you that you’re having a hard time getting out of your head.
- You write it down exactly as you’ve been “rehearsing” throughout the day. This step alone, just putting words down on paper (or your computer screen) gives you a slightly different perspective.
- Read back over the words you just wrote as if a family member or close friend were saying them to you. This puts a bit of distance between you and your thoughts; you’re now an observer.
- Respond, in writing, by calling out the bullshit in those words. Example: (response is in italics)
- I showed up late to work this morning, I’m probably going to get fired because I’m irresponsible and can’t do anything right. If I lose my job it’s all over for me :(…That was the first time in over a month, other people do it multiple times per week and it doesn’t bother me when they do. I’m a great worker who always does what he’s asked, if they fire me for being late once in a blue moon then why would I want to work there anyway? I worked hard for the job and one instance of tardiness doesn’t make me irresponsible, the fact that I recognize that being late is unacceptable shows the I am responsible. I have an established emergency fund, lots of contacts and plenty of experience so if by some terrible luck I do get fired, I’ll bounce back just fine.
- As you respond, you do so from an objective perspective and see the absurdity of the words you’ve been telling yourself.
This takes practice, however, and if you’re far enough into the downward spiral, you may need a little bit of help. Modern-day cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is closely based on ancient Stoic practice and follows the same type of logic. Seeing things for what they objectively are rather than with their attached value judgment.
Instead of “bad food” at a restaurant ruining your day…
“How good it is, when you have roast meat or suchlike foods before you, to impress on your mind that this is the dead body of a fish, this the dead body of a bird or pig.”
Marcus Aurelius
The same holds for anything you do that gets under your skin and prompts the inward shit-talking to commence.
Bonus: Give it a Name
This may be a little “out there” and sounds a bit like creating an alter ego. When you find yourself giving yourself a hard time, give the thinker of those thoughts, the sayer of those words a name. Thanks to the meme universe out there, the name “Karen” comes to mind, as does “Steve” (or Brian) if you’re a guy.
This little exercise reinforces the fact that where this negativity comes from, the default mode network, the ego, etc. is not the real you. As counterintuitive that it may sound…You are not your thoughts.
At the end of the day, people treat you how you let them treat you. The same is far too true for ourselves. The longer you “allow” yourself to talk down to yourself, the more of a habit it becomes. Eventually, it becomes who you are and that is an extremely difficult cycle to break out of. If you are stuck in that place now, these simple changes have the potential to help but they do not replace real, professional help.
I’m not a doctor nor do I claim to know anything about anything. I do have personal experience with dealing with negative self-talk that eventually led to negative thoughts and vice versa. For me, it took a personal crisis of sorts to bring those patterns to light and an awful lot of conscious attention and daily check-ins with friends and family to get back to my “happy place” along with a few other ways of bypassing the default mode network and shaking the old etch-a-sketch to reset the habitual thoughts and subsequent moods I’ve felt.